Ever felt like slashing your neighbour's tyres or maybe even just planting sneaky piles of dog pooh outside their front door to 'surprise' them in the morning...it's a sure way to make someone's start to the day a very bad one indeed!
I've had those thoughts...this weekend! I'll set the scene:
I was just coming home from the rugger and was parking my car when the neighbour's common friends arrive at their house and proceed to drop a huge bottle of booze on the pavement outside our driveway and they continue to obliviously walk away without cleaning it up...of course the street fairy will do a fly-by and wave her magic wand...um no...what world do these morons live in?!?
So I proceed to call the boss aka my mom who would of course play the good neighbour card and request, very nicely I might add, that they clean up the glass so that tyres don't burst, dogs don't limp away with glassy paws and that the neighbour's kids don't run around in the stuff (let's be honest...kids are stupid that way). The debacle ensued as follows:
Boss: hi there nice neighbour, I see you're having a rather awesome party to celebrate the Stormers win today (insert: so am I *hiccup*) but your friends did the following (insert broken bottle story above).
(sidebar: the chick who was part of the bottle-smashing trio was standing right there)
The Witch: how the hell do you know that it's my friends and what are you talking about?
Boss: *noting that the neighbour was being quite rude and defensive*...well my daughter was coming home and saw it happen just now
The Witch: well show me where this is
(sidebar: the stupid cow who broke the glass now tries to divert the attention of said witch to stop her from going to the scene of the crime...she was obviously not wanting to confess)
Boss: please come and look, I would appreciate it (nudges the neighbour slightly on elbow)
The Witch: DON'T PUSH ME!
The Witch: (now turning to me) how do you know it was my friends
KaB: (pointing directly at the stupid cow) well it was her, she was the one who did it!
I feel very Scarlett Letter at this stage!!!
Stupid Cow: um...um...*belch*...oh ja, it was so and so when they were on their way inside your house!
Boss: well it doesn't really matter who it was and I don't want to point the finger of blame but please can you just get someone to clean this up so that nobody gets hurt later on!
The Witch agrees to cleaning it up and fetches her broom...*hysterical*
Come 2 mins later I'm outside checking that a door is locked and she looks at me, points her broom in my direction and slurs away through an abusive turn of events:
The Witch: you see, I've got my broom and am cleaning up this shit!
Me: well thank you, it's just that the neighbour's kids and the dogs *don't get to finish my sentence*
The Witch: don't you tell me about whose kids play outside here, you don't have kids (*for a good fucking reason you stupid sloppy bitch*) and my kids fucking play out here, not yours...*insert abusive language*
I just closed the door...who the hell wants to get into a fight with a stroppy, common cow who has no class...how rude!
I'd like to know who let the sloppy moron onto our street...surely you have to pass a class test or something?!?
Bleh...maybe a twister can come round and dump a house on her or something...that'd be nice!
*happy thoughts*
Over and out y'all!
KaB
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