Surviving the game...

Can I survive in the 'wild'?!?

Really...let's answer this honestly...

1. I literally gargle just a tad bit of vomit at the site of creepy crawlies...they're revolting! Don't even get me started on spiders...*little hairy monsters*
2. I can make fire...with paraffin marinated tea bags of course...I can see myself twirling the only strand of flint around my fingers out of sheer boredom, next thing it's over and out with fires a la flint! *oh dear...wasn't me!*
3. I can catch fish...no really I can...well I've tried and succeeded if that's what you're thinking! Never landed myself a biggon but I can provide! Am not afraid to bait a hook and send the reel on out there into the blue yonder...wish I was this capable in hooking up with a male *ROFL*...can also find mussels, oysters and other molluscs to take to the table!
4. I have pooped in the bush before...all y'all need is a spade or similar like tool (I suppose a hand will do) to do the 'digging' (more like hiding!) and one must not forget to be courteous and leave a leaf or something flag-like to alert other toilet users to your poohs' whereabouts!
5. Am petrified of the dark!
6. Never slept on the floor before sans mattress, blankie or pillow...this could spell disaster...will have to sustain self with tree leaves and other cushion like materials...have no fecking idea what I would do?!? Keep seeing images of when I was a lightie in the sandbox and used to scoop out body type holes to fit into and would cover self with sand to 'protect' (against what...the nursery school teacher and her pet boyfriend the boogey man)...one has to wonder if this would be smart?!?...what with all those creepy crawlies and lice type monsters living in the sand...*eew*! OMG my hair...it'll get BIG...very big!
7. That being said...I can't go 12 hours without showering!
8. Wash my hair 1X daily
9. Wine does not flow like water in the wild...*potential sanity issue here*
10. No clean panties...for fucks sake!
11. Will have to live in my bikini...can see local newspaper headlines...'whale beaches on island, blubber everywhere'
12. The challenges...I can so beat boys at physical obstacles and things like that...make me run up and down a line or squirm around on top of others in order to conquer one and all...I can do that no problem! Can swim...can run...can walk...can sleep...can do technical shit as long as does not involve maths (am ill-equipped with numbers)...yez...I can play games and hunt and gather and flipping well win!!!
13. Don't eat funny stuff like slime, insides or roaches...god forbid they put a goat's testicle infront of me...*mock vomit*

To answer my own mind-boggling question: no, I probably cannot survive in the wild!

Seriously...am entering Survivor...have a HIGHlarious audition prepared...best I not tell them judges just how bad I could be in the 'wild'...hope there's a super hot boy I can 'use' along the way and make my slave! Will play the game well!

I reckon with all the limited fun aside I am doomed to hate the entire experience! But...really, REALLY, really want to compete in Survivor: Maldives!

Wish me luck y'all! Thoughts?!?

Over & out!

KaB

**Rhino Poaching: Make a Change**

16 July 2010


Department of Environmental Affairs and Tourism

Postal Address
Private Bag X447
Pretoria
0001

To Ms BP Sonjica

RHINO POACHING: MAKE A CHANGE

I write to you in response to the current news article that broke on News24 on Wednesday 15 July 2010.

http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/Rhino-killed-in-Krugersdorp-park-20100714

As a proud South African, I am saddened and angry at this news. I, and I am sure many within the public, are disheartened by the continuous killings of one of Africa’s greatest species and we continue to see NO ACTION taken by the relative authorities. How can we celebrate the resounding success of the 2010 FIFA World Cup and be proud of our country when these senseless, money-driven acts continue to deplete the rhinoceros population? We continue to promote our country on the backdrop of safari adventures and in providing tourists with the unique opportunity of being up close with one of the Africa’s giants, yet we do nothing to create awareness around poaching, or at least not enough awareness that will aid in decreasing their untimely deaths.

Why do you not educate people, why do you not ensure that stricter measures are taken against poachers who have been caught – more importantly, why have you not responded to these killings and provided more skilled rangers who are equipped to fight poaching? How come you continue to hold your job title in a department that should be protecting these animals rather than turning a blind eye to their demise? It is unacceptable that this has been allowed to continue and as South Africans, we should all be ashamed of ourselves for not caring enough to put a stop to this. It is shameful that we promote ourselves through referencing these animals yet we do nothing to protect or ensure their survival!

Over the last year, 126 rhino have been murdered for their horn, a commodity that is exported to Asia for archaic medicinal purposes – medicine? Do you not think that this is a bizarre alternative to the survival of this species; so bizarre that you should be using all of your resources to ensure that the rhinoceros species does not become extinct? The female rhinoceros that was killed on Tuesday was still suckling her calf, she was not dead when those inhumane pigs sawed her horn off, she probably died of shock and her calf was left to fend for itself. Does this not have an impact on the emotional capacity of your soul, do you not care that this senseless murder was done in vain and was completely unnecessary? If so, why are you not making a change and why do we continue to hear new stories each week of more rhino being killed?

As a lover of animals, and someone who is proud of her heritage, I ask you ‘what are your action plans in fighting poaching and what do you intend on doing about it to ensure the survival of this species’? Surely there must be an action plan that you are obligated to share with the public? I implore you to make a stand and to create change, you have the backing of thousands of people who care about these animals and who want to continue watching them survive in the wild; their home where they can reproduce and continue to provide a unique opportunity to admire and appreciate that which is only inherent to us as South Africans.

It is time to put a stop to this, before it’s too late.

Regards,

**DIY tools go on SALE**

So, after many a celebratory high-5, baby-5, double-5, jumping up and down in the air waving the Spanish flag and clutching of fists (you get the picture, right...so super happy for Spain after their clash with ze Germans?!?) I left the humble abode of a friend's place and descended upon my parental unit who were themselves celebratory *well, dad was already passed out in bed* and winding down from a rather stupendously  brilliant Spanish footwork (oh, I'm sorry...should I shut up about that now...*cough*...no!). Mommy dearest then took the opportunity to get me all flustered and excited about a certain purchase, only to then bring me crushing down to hillbillyhood!

Moo: sweetie pie, I have such a great idea for you re: buying something for your house!
KaB: *oh goodie, goodie, goodie gumpdrops*...show me, show me! *At this point you can imagine me jumping up and down like an excited 10 year old who's on the brink of getting her very own Ultrahair Barbie...yes I got one of those way back when*
Moo: well, just before I show you what it is remember you'll need one of these and without a man around the house and your dad a few minutes up the road, it will make your life much easier!
KaB: *desperately trying to figure out what she's on about...what could it be?!?* Gee, thanks mom for reminding me that I'm 1X minus my very own sex slave *cough I mean boyfriend*! So what is this "mystery" purchase you speak so matter of a fact about?!?
Moo: okay, well I think you should really consider buying yourself this (see image below)

KaB: *a drill...mmm...she could be onto something here, self-controlled, different sized-bits to suit all moods...wonder if Women with Toys knows about this breakthrough...ROFL* Mommy, are you serious?!? What the fuck am I going to do with a drill...I hate that type of DIY, you know I need my very own handyman...if not for this, for other more important, bedroom satisfying jobs...**hope that thing is battery operated!**

Seriously, she then continued to point out the difference in cost between the Drill Set *imagine my eagerness* and the Drill alone! Imagine, she actually thought I'd be drilling holes in walls and measuring meterage and centimeters of thingies that people do to put walls up...I can't even measure a double shot properly, how the hell would I cope with this?!?

I think I'll stick to finding my very own DIY man...wherever he may be! Pity he doesn't come onsale!

Over and out y'all!

KaB

Viva Espanol...my team beat ze Germans!

And I am so happy that they showed dem Germans!

Viva...Viva...Viva Espanol!!!

Ah, the moment they celebrated their goal...*amazeballs*

Viva Espanol!

Over and out!

KaB

**Don't forget to put the little blue pills in your evening bag...just in case**

Out and about the other night enroute to the Spain vs. Portugal game I met a pro golfer...*cha-ching*!

My imagination was fast put to bed when wannabe dad mentioned he was at the ripe old age of 59 years old...*in all fairness to him, it wasn't like he didn't look it though...I should've gurgled, dribbled and sucked my thumb...perhaps then he'd have not considered approaching a girl 33 years younger than him*! Images of dried up raisins and pharmacy-stocked bathroom cabinets threatened to make my feet run a mile but I was 'fortunately' tied to a draught and left my ego open to being chatted up and flirted with!

For what benefit I have no clue?!?

Wannabe Sugadaddy: You look Spanish...*wink, wink...slides closer to me*
KaB: *oh for fucks sake*...Thanks but I'm not...*continues talking to sister*
Wannabe Sugadaddy: Well you definitely look Spanish with your colouring *at this point he's checking me out bottom to top, eyebrow raised*...are you sure you're not from Spain?!?
KaB: *Let me just double check my passport*...Where do you want me to be from...*couldn't help but play with him*
Wannabe Sugadaddy: *chuckles under his breath*
KaB: I'm from here...Cape Town...lucky you! *by this point I've put out all the negative body language...standing slightly away from him, arms folded*
Wannabe Sugadaddy: From Cape Town...no ways, I could've sworn you were from Spain. I mean look at you! *moves closer*...What do you do?!?
KaB: *I play the castanets! ROFL*...What do you want me to do?!? *god, I mean really...what is wrong with me...I can't even flirt properly with a balie!*
Wannabe Sugadaddy: *now laughing heartily*...mmm...*probably now thinking what he would do with me*...so how old are you?!?
KaB: *not old enough for you obviously*...26!
Wannabe Sugadaddy: Jackpot! I'm probably older than your own dad!
KaB: Probably...how old are you then?!?
Wannabe Sugadaddy: 59!
KaB: Ja, you are...g'bye!

Seriously...are there any men worth talking to and where the hell do lovely young ladies looking for a good time find you?!?

If they're not gay (which is unfortunate because 99% of gay men are wonderful and the perfect catch)...they're either loners, unambitious, slap-stick funny, unstable, boring, unsporty, unintelligent, boep-ridden, non-reading, unoriginal, porn-watching, old, disrespectful and completely chauvenistic in every way...absolutely nothing like the man I'm attracted to!

*not that I'm looking or anything!

Women no longer only have to consider taking a condom out with them...you now have to take the little blue V pills just in case you land yourself a bachelor double your age! Hey, at least you go prepared!

Over and out y'all!

KaB