**If you have the option: always take the room number and not the petrol station**

I have ‘if you’re a weirdo you should totally take your chance with me’ written all over across my forehead…and probably on my backside too, seems that it’s gotten the size of a billboard – may as well reap the rewards! On a more serious note, I tend to always have the social oddities on the streets approaching me, perhaps my smile is too inviting and says ‘yes, I’m all yours…take a chance, love will prevail!’ Tuesday night after the Brazil/ North Korea game (big up to the NK boys), old toothless wonder waltzes up to me at the petrol station and proceeds to get all funky with me…

TW: hello girlie, tell me, don’t you have just a little bit of change for me, I’m so hungry and these pills I’m on for my schitzophrenia need to be taken with food, I’ve got none! (*alarm bells going ting-ting-ting at this point*)

Me: (*fake smiling with frightened scared shitless eyes*) oh okay, are you really going to buy food with this?!

*no, you do good moron…why you ask such a stupid question*

TW: yes, thank you so much…what’s your name!

Me: (*stupidly way too nice and feeling sorry for this dude*) – insert name –

TW: *shaking my hand*…it’s so nice to meet you, one day I’d like to marry a girl with –insert name –

At this point I’m wondering well thank fuck it’s not me but why another girl with my name…why not me with my name, am I really that bad that I can’t even bag myself a schitzophrenic, hungry homeless man? *it’s like the universe is against me bagging a fella…even if it’s a weirdo I’d never touch with a barge pole...was not point*

TW: you know – insert name -…these pills give me such a healthy sex appetite, you don’t mind if I talk about this, you mos know it’s normal!

Me: *shaking head…oh sweet jesus fuck…I’ve got a paedophile, flashing, schitzo murderer on my hands…while thinking to myself ‘I love me, I love my life, I don’t want to be strangled in my car outside of a petrol station…this isn’t how it’s suppose to end…so dirty and tacky here*

TW: …and you know, when I masturbate every night it’s so good…blah blah blah!

All the blood was drained from my face and probably went into his pants…dirty fucker! Out of the corner of my eye I’m desperately pleading with the universe to please let my friends get in the car so that I may escape this lone sexual predator who a) now knows my name *stupid girl* and b) shook my hand with his dirty masturbating hand…

***NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO***

Eventually, as old toothless wonder was getting a little too close for comfort, the friends actually rocked up and we managed to get the hell out of dodge!

R9 (nine rand) later and after being laughed at by the girls I manage to stumble into the house thanking the universe that I had an exfoliating sponge and super hygienic clean soap to wash clean, swop (*I'd have considered this option*), exfoliate and just get rid of all the masturbating germs my hand could have contracted...*bad hand*!

Am done with dodgy dudes…I preferred the hot American I had a super deep and interesting conversation with…well a drunk one that is! Got his room number at the hotel…instead I went to the petrol station!!!

Over and out y’all!

KaB