Surviving the game...

Can I survive in the 'wild'?!?

Really...let's answer this honestly...

1. I literally gargle just a tad bit of vomit at the site of creepy crawlies...they're revolting! Don't even get me started on spiders...*little hairy monsters*
2. I can make fire...with paraffin marinated tea bags of course...I can see myself twirling the only strand of flint around my fingers out of sheer boredom, next thing it's over and out with fires a la flint! *oh dear...wasn't me!*
3. I can catch fish...no really I can...well I've tried and succeeded if that's what you're thinking! Never landed myself a biggon but I can provide! Am not afraid to bait a hook and send the reel on out there into the blue yonder...wish I was this capable in hooking up with a male *ROFL*...can also find mussels, oysters and other molluscs to take to the table!
4. I have pooped in the bush before...all y'all need is a spade or similar like tool (I suppose a hand will do) to do the 'digging' (more like hiding!) and one must not forget to be courteous and leave a leaf or something flag-like to alert other toilet users to your poohs' whereabouts!
5. Am petrified of the dark!
6. Never slept on the floor before sans mattress, blankie or pillow...this could spell disaster...will have to sustain self with tree leaves and other cushion like materials...have no fecking idea what I would do?!? Keep seeing images of when I was a lightie in the sandbox and used to scoop out body type holes to fit into and would cover self with sand to 'protect' (against what...the nursery school teacher and her pet boyfriend the boogey man)...one has to wonder if this would be smart?!?...what with all those creepy crawlies and lice type monsters living in the sand...*eew*! OMG my hair...it'll get BIG...very big!
7. That being said...I can't go 12 hours without showering!
8. Wash my hair 1X daily
9. Wine does not flow like water in the wild...*potential sanity issue here*
10. No clean panties...for fucks sake!
11. Will have to live in my bikini...can see local newspaper headlines...'whale beaches on island, blubber everywhere'
12. The challenges...I can so beat boys at physical obstacles and things like that...make me run up and down a line or squirm around on top of others in order to conquer one and all...I can do that no problem! Can swim...can run...can walk...can sleep...can do technical shit as long as does not involve maths (am ill-equipped with numbers)...yez...I can play games and hunt and gather and flipping well win!!!
13. Don't eat funny stuff like slime, insides or roaches...god forbid they put a goat's testicle infront of me...*mock vomit*

To answer my own mind-boggling question: no, I probably cannot survive in the wild!

Seriously...am entering Survivor...have a HIGHlarious audition prepared...best I not tell them judges just how bad I could be in the 'wild'...hope there's a super hot boy I can 'use' along the way and make my slave! Will play the game well!

I reckon with all the limited fun aside I am doomed to hate the entire experience! But...really, REALLY, really want to compete in Survivor: Maldives!

Wish me luck y'all! Thoughts?!?

Over & out!

KaB